internet and sex addiction

Sexual compulsion, sex addict, internet addiction - these can all be controversial terms. Some people argue they don't exist. After all, you can't get physically addicted to sex or the internet like you can with some drugs. But both can be habit-forming, with someone becoming psychologically dependent on them. And whether you feel hooked on having sex or using the web, the causes can be similar.

There's no agreed normal amount of sex, or time spent on the web, on porn, on wanking and so on. It can't be defined by what kind of sex you have (such as the 'wrong' kind) or how much ('too much'). It's defined by you. You decide if there's a problem based on how your sex life makes you feel. You can have as much sex or time online as you want and if you don't feel that it's a problem, then who's to say it is a problem?

But if you recognise yourself in any of the following statements and this bothers you, it may mean there's a problem with how you feel about what you do:

• My sex life/internet use is out of control.
• I can't stop, or when I try, I can't stop for long.
• I'm putting myself at risk (because of the law, health, money, lack of sleep, being late for work, relationships with others or other reasons).
• I use it to cope with feelings of low self-esteem, being down, stressed, anxious, lonely, or ashamed.
• It leads me to have sex at times, in places or with people I wouldn't normally choose or don't think are right for me.
• My contact with people is more online than in the flesh.
• I see men I have sex with as objects, not people to connect with.
• What I'm doing involves more sex or kinkier sex just to get enough excitement or relief.
• Sex and thoughts of sex or the internet stop me concentrating on other parts of my life, such as things I used to enjoy doing, friends, family and housework.
• I hide what I do from people close to me.
• If I can't get sex or go online I get moody or irritable, or afterwards I feel regret, guilt or shame.

The 'high'

When we're turned on our bodies release powerful feel good chemicals that affect our brain. This 'high' is the reward that helps power our sex drive. Some people crave this high but afterwards comes a sort of 'low' in the shape of anxiety, shame or guilt feelings. The cycle of chasing the high but feeling low after a sexual hit can be hard to break without help.

The internet

Using the web to get your rocks off has some major pluses:

• it's fairly cheap
• it's fairly anonymous
• it never closes
• every taste and interest is catered for
• sexual content/contacts seem endless
• it's easier to talk about HIV status or the sex you're into.

When we first discover the internet we can find ourselves spending endless hours online. Over time we often get disillusioned with it until we eventually reach a more balanced level of use. Some of us take longer than others to get to this stage.

Taking Control

If you think you're using the web too much, try cutting down. Set a limit; for example 30 minutes or an hour each day. You'll soon rediscover how life was before the internet and how much else you get done.

If you've got several profiles on different sites, dumping some means you might spend less time (and money) online.

Often the longer a session online lasts, the fewer messages you get. If you're sitting in front of the screen just waiting for a message, maybe that's a sign it's time to log off.

Some tips

• Ask yourself why you spend so much time on sex or online. What needs might you be trying to meet with it?
• Talk to a friend to see if they feel the same way. Talk about things you can do together to get away from the computer, cruising etc.
• Telephone helplines are a cheap, anonymous way of talking things over with someone. They can also give you details of where to talk to a professional. THT Direct on 0845 12 21 200 is a good place to start.
• Check out listings on the internet for help available. Search for 'sexual compulsion' or 'internet addiction'. Some sites might help you work out if you feel your use is excessive.

You can also talk to a professional. Don't think what's on your mind isn't serious enough compared to other people's problems. Counsellors will be happy to talk to you about whatever's bothering you. You won't be the first person they've seen with this. Some have a lot of experience with people who feel their sex lives need more control. They can help you understand what's behind the things that are bothering you and how to have a happier, more rewarding sex life. Talking can be free or you might pay to speak to someone. Find one by using our list of places to get counselling or therapy.