Problems with coming

Not being able to come

Delayed ejaculation may mean you can come on your own but not with others. Causes can be physical (diabetes, medication for blood pressure or depression) or psychological.

To help you relax and take away anxiety sex therapists often advise the following exercise:

• the man gets aroused with a partner nearby but with no pressure to perform
• with his partner out of sight (in the next room) the guy then wanks until he comes
• over time, on each new occasion the partner is allowed to move closer
• then the partner's allowed in the same room but doesn't pay any attention
• the next time only nonsexual contact is allowed
• the time after that stroking's permitted
• the next time touching of genitals is allowed.

Coming too quickly

What is 'too quickly'? Studies show men often come within two minutes of fucking; some longer, some sooner. It only becomes a problem if a man comes quicker than he and the other man would like.

Premature ejaculation might be treated with low doses of anti-depressants. A cream on the cock, or inside some condoms, that numbs it slightly can slow a man's orgasm.

There is a 'stop-start' technique taught by sex therapists can also help. The man wanks but keeps stopping just before he's about to come. At that point there's no stimulation for 30 to 60 seconds. He does this five times in one go. This teaches how to control the urge to shoot your load and can be done alone or with a partner doing the stop-start stimulation.

An alternative is to learn control through the 'squeeze' method. In this the head of the cock gets squeezed firmly (thumb underneath, first and second fingers pressing just under the ridge at the top of the head) - this should stop the urge to come. Repeat this several times and keep trying even if ejaculation still happens sometimes. Once control is better try placing the cock in your partner's mouth without moving.

Sex counsellors can teach these and other techniques for ejaculation problems. Find one by using our list of places to get counselling or therapy.

Want to know more?

You can get more information from these organistions and websites:

• Sexual Dysfunction Association
• British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy