Tops and bottoms

In the 'kink'/rough sex scene, adopting a top or bottom role (long term or only for one session) is more widespread and formalised than with men into vanilla (non-kink) sex.

Although things are more relaxed than in the past, it can't be denied that taking one role or another can come with certain value judgements. This can cause some of us to feel embarrassed or guilty, especially about enjoying getting fucked or being submissive.

Some see being bottom or passive as taking the 'female' role. And society - and some in the kink/rough sex scene - go along with the idea that anything female isn't as good as anything male. So they see men who do the fucking as more 'manly'. It's not uncommon for men to hide or downplay the fact they enjoy being fucked or playing sub, describing themselves as more top than they actually are.

Also, men can find themselves being stereotyped, expected to take one role or another based on how they look or their body, age or race. But we should remember that:

• As a top needs a bottom and vice versa, it makes no sense for one to look down on the other.
• If we reject society's narrow rules about what types of sex are allowed, why hold on to its ideas about one role being superior to another?
• The kind of sex we like doesn't make any of us more or less of a man.
• What takes more guts? Being honest, especially publicly, about liking to be a sub/bottom? Or pretending you don't want it when you really do?
• Expecting a man to be limited to one role because of his age or how he looks is as out-of-date as thinking all gay and bisexual men want to be women.
• To get where we are now sexually each one of us has had to break through lots of obstacles and restrictions. The last thing we need is more barriers in the way of getting the sex we really enjoy.

Things to know

Unprotected fucking is how the great majority of us get HIV. Condoms are very good at stopping the spread of the virus. Read more here.

Around one in five gay/bisexual men don't have anal sex in any one year *.

Getting fucked does not make someone's arse hole noticeably looser than men who don't.

Getting fucked isn't a major cause of piles (haemorrhoids).

*Gay Men's Sex Survey, Sigma Research